- With Special Dedication to Grams. (: -
From the day I was born, the only grandparent who was alive to watch me as I grew from being a baby to who I am today.. was my maternal grandmother. Going to grandma's house to celebrate CNY, Mothers' Day, Grandma's birthday and even Christmas was a routine almost every single year... till seven years ago.. when grandma had another stroke and was bed-ridden ever since while the siblings quarrelled over the dumbest things and refused to acknowledge family ties.
Ever since then, even though mummy would go visit grams every single week, I often refused to accompany her when she asked and would only visit under forced circumstances. As young as I was, having watched the siblings quarrel while shouting at each other at grams house wasn't a particularly good memory.
During the five months that I was on internship in Sanya, I received news of Grams being in and out of the hospital.. probably 5 or 6 times during that period. Mummy thought Grams wouldn't make it till I came back. But she did. The first day after I came back, I went to visit Grams. Like any other day, she was lying on the bed with all the medical tubes on her. While mummy was telling Grams how I was finally back from Sanya, I could see Grams staring pretty hard at me. She had probably forgotten about me.. considering the fact that she doesn't particularly care about girls, not to mention an external granddaughter.. Though I secretly hoped that she does remember me. :') I wanted to hold her hand so badly, but I was afraid... so I left, murmuring that I would come back to see her again.
The next weekend, my sister and I went with mummy to see Grams again. This time, she was panting really hard. The sight of her suffering.. was unbearable, so we just stood outside, waiting for mummy. Little did I know that, that was the last time I was going to see her. Just a few days later, on the 21st of August, I received news that Grams had passed away. I was just staring at her a week ago, and the next moment, she was gone. It may have been a good thing, that she could finally be relieved of her sufferings of seven years and return to her husband's side after 31 years of separation (Grandpa passed on 31 years ago). Mummy kept saying, 'I thought you won't be able to see her for the last time, but you did, she waited for you.' But I believe.. that it was just a coincidence of events.
The next few days after the 21st, was the funeral. It was considerably grand, which was what Grams would have wanted. As a granddaughter, I couldn't think of what I could do, but to stay by my mummy's side and give her mental support. Mummy isn't the type of woman who would cry easily. The only time I saw her tear was when she was telling me the story of how grandpa cheated on grams.
On the cremation day (25th Aug 2012), I saw through the ceremony from chants to cremation. I told myself, no tears because Grams is in a better place now. I thought mummy would have thought the same way, but while we were circling the coffin for the final time (Chinese funeral ritual), I saw mummy broke down, she really did. It was the first time, I ever saw her cry like that. At that very moment, was when I started to tear and cry with her. Not actually because of the passing of Grams, but because I could feel the pain of those being left behind.
Mummy often said, 'what matters most, is caring for a person when they are alive, and not the other way round when they are dead'... If you had put in your 100% in caring for a person while they are alive, then you would have no regrets when it's time for them to move on.
I'll miss you Grams.. Thank you for being with me.. You'll never know how grateful I am, for you were the only grandparent whom I had with me for the past 19 years... :')
In loving memories of Grams... (Died at the age of 88 Years Old)
