sucked into the world of self pity

"When life gives you lemons... make lemonade out of it..." says one inner voice..  

"You are pathetic.. why do you live?" says the other.  

Who am I, really, to say that I have a sad life... when I have a place to call home, food to satisfy my stomach... with basic necessities all covered? On top of all that, I have a complete family... and my friends...

For the past week.. I have been drowning myself in self-pity. "Am I not good-enough?", "Why am I rejected?","I don't think I deserve to be treated this way.", "Why doesn't my family understand me?", "Why can't they just believe in me?" A bunch of "whys..." and "me.".. Self-Pity. 

Perhaps my sister was right.. I disappointed my mum... and most of all, I disappointed myself. I had so much believe in myself... but I couldn't fulfil whatever goal I had in mind. I had too much ego in me to take this humiliation. (I had always been an egoistic bastard anyway.)

& now the question... How do I move on from here? ... ... ... 分からない。

"how's life?" "uh.. liddat lor"

Every gathering/catch-up session with friends... this question is bound to emerge: "so... how's life?" 
I seem to have reached the age where all your guy friends would be talking about 'Army', 'Enlistment', 'POP', 'ORD'.. etc.. etc... and all your girl friends... 'University', 'Work', 'Colleagues'... you get the drift... 

My answer to that question would always be... 'huh.. like that lor.' in a typical SGrean slang.. AKA Singlish. 

Being neither here nor there... honestly, there isn't much I can talk about these days... I'm neither in the army... nor am I accepted into the Universities.. 'Sandwich' would be the best word to describe my life, for now. Frustration... Anxiety... Envy... Just losing hope in general.

My heart feels so burdened these days.. I don't want to think nor talk about it.. not at all.. but my personality disallows that. Till the day I receive something from SMU or Uni of Melb... Till the day I find another temp job. Till the day I solve my own financial crisis.. till... forever. My mind never seem to stop thinking. If only there was a switch off button in the system. 

I am in need of closure. There are too many things going on.. I just can't seem to relax and just go with the flow. If only... somebody could give me an answer to all these questions... If only...